Mental illness and course correction

 I am autistic, I have ADHD, MDD and anxiety. It's a vicious combo, luckily I'm used to it as this has been lifelong. My saving grace has been my intelligence. I have the ability to see when my mental state takes a dive and contemplate it. It might take me a while but I will eventually course correct and pull myself out of a depressive episode. My logic speaks to me in these times and it's almost like parenting myself through it. 



I have made it through some tough depressive episodes. I lost count of the suicide attempts. My children have kept me grounded. I know without me to support them financially they will be lost and forced to struggle. So no matter how bad my mental health is, I keep a job that can support my family.

Last weekend I spent time with family and seeing them interact with their children helped me to course correct when I returned home. I'm intentionally being present and making memories with my kids and grandkid. I had withdrawn quite a bit due to my current mental state. 

Through my mental illness I am able to maintain the vision of what I want my life to be. My optimism keeps me chasing that vision, believing it can come true. Even if I don't make it to my version of the perfect life, just trying to get there can make for an amazing life. As an American I have the privilege of reaching for the stars and having to settle for the moon. Great things are actually tangible if I just go for it. 

I feel like I have to make it because black children and women need examples of what they can do and be. As my physical capacity lessens I find myself leaning on my mental faculties more than ever. 

I love my mind. It is intricate and complex, creative and carefree, visionary and chaotic. I am who I am and accept it fully. I try to appreciate the entirety of it. Most people that I meet don't think like me and I have learned to be okay with that.

I am grateful for the ability to have self awareness and the ability to do something positive with that awareness. I have come to realize that not everyone is capable of this. Many things I have recently (with my husbands help) realized aren't "normal". ( I know this might sound pretentious but this is my blog oh well) It's not that other people are particularly stupid, I just happen to be particularly intelligent. That intelligence gives me abilities and handicaps. I'm working through the handicaps in order to be even more capable.



We have a rough road ahead of us in 2025 and I'm going to need everything I've got to get my family through it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Matriarchs

Image
The Beauty The Sacrifice The Pain The Longing The Hopefulness The Fear The Weight of being a black mother is something that is not being discussed enough. I am so grateful to Tina Knowles for sharing her story in her book Matriarch. She has helped me recenter my focus on my life's purpose.  In this moment I think about Tina on tour with Beyonce and how she supports her daughter and granddaughters night after night. I am thinking about Marian Robinson who uprooted her life in Chicago to spend 8 years in DC to support her daughter and granddaughters. I'm thinking of my mother who moved from Michigan to Ohio to support her 3 daughters and grandchildren. I'm thinking of my great grandmother who birthed 14 children and died too young. There are so many phenomenal women that keep their families at the center of their priorities WHILE living amazing and meaningful lives themselves.  I come from strong, independent and determined people. People who refused to accept the oppression ...
Read more

The Humble Genius

Image
  The marginalized genius will always be more intelligent than the status quo genius. She is able to access perspectives unknown to her white male counterparts. Although they may share the same strengths and abilities, her oppression exposes her to problems and challenges not faced by the majority. This makes her the authority on certain social issues. She should instruct those with the authority to affect change on inclusion and dismantling oppressive systems. She is merely the instructor however, as she cannot facilitate the solutions herself. This seems like an inflammatory statement in THIS society due to white supremacy and patriarchy. If you subscribe to these oppressive systems, this statement will make you uncomfortable, angry even. Hold on to that feeling and reflect. I will continue talking to the rest of us and check in on you before we're done. Now, the topic is The Humble Genius, humility is honest not deluded. So declaring the opening statement is indeed humble. It is...
Read more

The Matriarchal Mind

Image
  I'm planting a seed. A seed of hope for a better future for black families. I'm not talking nuclear families. I'm talking about OUR families, which often do not mirror what others deem to be a "proper family". You don't need children to be a matriarch. How many black women do you know who look out for children (and others) that they did not themselves birth? How many child free aunties do you know that always comes through for their nieces and nephews? Black women are the true leaders of the black community. Our leadership looks very different than our men and others outside of our community. We are constantly ridiculed for our brand of leadership, but check the stats. WE UP! I started this blog because social media is not the correct format for me to truly and fully express myself. We cannot discuss many things in mixed company. I'm working on an offline format for us to communicate and fellowship with each other. Until then, use the comments section he...
Read more