Tired vs. Exhaustion vs. Fatigue

 This morning, I came to the conclusion that I will be tired for the rest of my life.

I'm an optimist (not by choice, it's my default mode) so I'm always looking forward to change and improvement in my life. The saying "trouble don't last always",  Annie's song tomorrow, and Donny Hathaway's promise that someday we'll all be free, are messages of hope that resonate with me. I can read an optimistic quote and fully believe that logic applies to me. I see myself as fortunate, lucky even. I look at the positives and celebrate them while simultaneously pep talking myself through challenges and hardships.  Additionally, I have a high tolerance for pain and discomfort. 

These traits have carried me well through some difficult and challenging situations throughout my 42 years. I now realize that these traits also kept me in an abusive relationship for far too long but that's a story for a later post. 

Watching my children become adults has also helped me realize how oblivious I am of myself. My high tolerance for pain and discomfort is due to autism. My brain and body don't communicate well with each other all the time. I can be oblivious to thirst, hunger, fullness, pain and insults. 



So when I connected the dots this morning and realized that I will never be able to get enough sleep I was kind of shocked. 

I have an autoimmune disorder with many symptoms; one of them is fatigue. That is the only symptom I am almost guaranteed to feel everyday. I kept waiting for it to get better because of my SpongeBobesque optimism. I am indeed a goofy goober. 

I always just thought it was a good day when I get a strong start and then start running out of gas after lunch. But as my disease progresses and those days become more scarce, I am now connecting the dots between my brain and body better and attributing my very real symptoms to my very real diagnosis. I can no longer afford to push through the pain and fatigue and think I will be fine after getting some sleep. I'm not "just a little tired" I am fatigued. I'm not exhausted because I have a job, I am fatigued because I have an illness. This is lifelong and will not get better. 

My youth is leaving me and can no longer be relied on to bounce back physically. I'm getting slower. Movement is more difficult. My body feels older than my mind. I feel out of sync and out of sorts when I have to slow my brain down because my body can't keep up. 

Luckily I'm off today, so I'm writing this from my bed. I'm going to try to get some sleep.

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