Christian Deconstruction of a chronic non-believer

In a humble neighborhood of Dayton, OH stood a house converted into a church. The denomination was A.M.E. Zion which stands for African Methodist Episcopal. I was front row of the congregation every Sunday with my mother, grandmother and my two sisters. My grandfather stood tall and proud in the pulpit as our pastor. My mother was in charge of the children's ministry. She taught us a song to memorize the books of the Bible. She also taught us The Lord's Prayer and The Benediction of our church. My grandmother supervised activities as she saw fit and was mostly there to be The First Lady and support her husband's chosen profession. Her work truly began once we arrived at my grandparents house after church. She would prepare a bowl of Campbell's chicken noodle soup with saltines on the side for Grandpa. We would all sit around him as he ate and he would interact with us children. I would look at the pictures in the house and ask questions about the people in them. My aunt and uncle who both lived in California. My other aunt who lived in North Carolina. The house was quiet and cozy. I wasn't allowed to go upstairs or in the backyard. Even though it was the house where my mother was raised, I never experienced it the way she did. 

This was my indoctrination to Christianity. It was a way of life in those early days. The concept of belief was introduced at age 5 when I asked my mother a question. "Why doesn't all the stuff that happened in the Bible still happen today?" I asked her. "What stuff?" She asked. "Parting the Red Sea and stuff like that." I answered. "Ohhh, you mean the miracles." She clarified as I nodded my head in agreement. "Yeah, why doesn't all that stuff happen anymore?" I asked once again. She began to speak about how God could do great things for his people, and that I just have to believe that those things did happen and that they would happen again one day. "Do you understand now?" She asked me. I lied and shook my head yes. I did not understand in that moment and that understanding never came. 

I don't think of myself as a skeptic, but that could be in error. What I do know for sure is I never believed in God. I tried to at least twice. It didn't stick. I never felt like a Christian I was just raised to be one. My mother was so sure of God that I accepted it. She made it her mission to make her daughter's into church girls that would grow into church women. Something was in the water I guess because not one of us is Christian today.  She ended up with an Atheist, a Muslima and a spiritual daughter who reads tarot cards, burns sage and carries crystals.  

My road to atheism was not clear externally because I didn't have anyone I felt safe being transparent with. Internally I always knew I didn't believe in God. That was taboo and unaccepted in my community however. I didn't know any atheists. I'm also conflict adverse so smiling and nodding has been my way of navigating weird and uncomfortable situations. I don't want to debate my beliefs. I just want to live my life unbothered. Unfortunately for me part of the Christian doctrine is bothering people about their beliefs. So I never have to bring it up, there will always be an eager Christian asking me what church I belong to. Coming out as atheist to family and friends is very difficult for me. As a people pleaser, the people are not pleased which makes me uncomfortable. I hate being perceived and under the spotlight, worse yet the microscope of social acceptance. 

There is no way to count the number of times I have pretended to pray, lied about going to church, lied about being a believer, lied about being a Christian just to easily escape a nosy person or over zealous yet well meaning family member. It happens to me all the time. I spend zero time and effort telling people not to believe. I shouldn't have to go through this. Every time it happens I think that I should prepare a response to handle these situations. But then I forget and I get caught off guard again the next time. I'm thinking something like "I don't discuss religion." and just repeat that until they stop asking me questions. What if I just rolled my eyes and walked away? That sounds like fun honestly. 

My mother is just waiting for me to come around. She won't stop sending me religious messages even though she did try for a bit. I'm just telling people as I find it necessary. I don't feel the need to make an announcement. I'm just living my life and religion isn't a part of my life. I refuse to let Christianity be a focal point for me. That was not a choice for me growing up, but it is now.

Fin