Black Matriarchs

The Beauty

The Sacrifice

The Pain

The Longing

The Hopefulness

The Fear

The Weight

of being a black mother is something that is not being discussed enough. I am so grateful to Tina Knowles for sharing her story in her book Matriarch. She has helped me recenter my focus on my life's purpose. 

In this moment I think about Tina on tour with Beyonce and how she supports her daughter and granddaughters night after night. I am thinking about Marian Robinson who uprooted her life in Chicago to spend 8 years in DC to support her daughter and granddaughters. I'm thinking of my mother who moved from Michigan to Ohio to support her 3 daughters and grandchildren. I'm thinking of my great grandmother who birthed 14 children and died too young. There are so many phenomenal women that keep their families at the center of their priorities WHILE living amazing and meaningful lives themselves. 

I come from strong, independent and determined people. People who refused to accept the oppression of the south and traveled north for a better quality of life. They sought opportunities for themselves and brighter futures for their children. However, their roots were firmly planted in the Tennessee soil. We all returned to Granddaddy's house every summer for a reunion. This annual pilgrimage kept us connected, taught the younger generations their lineage and allowed us to feel pride in our extremely humble beginnings. I had no shame, only innocent wonder at how 16 people lived in that tiny house. I was amazed by my Gramma's siblings and all of their kids and grandkids. 

The family that I created for myself is complicated while also being a tale as old as time. I had to extract the cancer that is my children's father and continue this family without him. I took on the full responsibility of my three children and my granddaughter. I achieved my goal of home ownership and bought a home for my children. I pushed myself so hard that it broke me. The task of putting myself back together has been a gift in disguise. The lessons that I have been learning, the way I love myself now, the way I see myself now, the way I understand myself now, has been invaluable. 

What I now understand is that I have to embrace my role as matriarch. I have been trying to run from it in order to reclaim my lost youth, as I was 19 when I became a mother. I felt cheated by a man that was 15 years older than me. A man that trapped me with babies. Beautiful, sweet babies that deserved the world. I relinquished my present to give them their future. I was determined to give them the childhood they deserved. I loved them more than anything and centered them. They were my purpose and my joy. Being their Mommy was the best thing I had ever done. Unfortunately, I was lost. They were the only thing I was tethered to. I had to find myself and not burden them with me. I had to create a new life for myself and allow them to build theirs.

The way black mothers have to balance so much chaos in order to give our children as much as we do needs to be studied. Often coming from scarcity and lack of resources, we find creative ways to build our babies up. We push ourselves past our limits in order to show up and show out for our kids. We overcome great obstacles and tear down barriers for our families, while being demonized and denigrated. The racist and sexist stereotypes about black motherhood are sickening. We are leaders in our communities, keeping people connected. The maintenance of tradition and history always falls to us. If we don't do it, it won't get done. Everything we tackle is done so with grit and determination, but style and grace is at the forefront. When we curate a space or experience, it is done with intention and meaning. 

Let's give each other the pat on the back and job well done. We are continuing the example set for us by so many of our ancestral matriarchs. A graceful strength that soothes after it scolds. Because the intent is never to harm, but to teach and protect. The stakes are high for our children. Their path ahead is littered with land mines. We work to send them out of our homes battle ready with the armor of self love and respect. 

I see you, I love you, I appreciate you.