Barely Controlled Black Girl: Reimagine the world while surviving it

I'm pissed. Everyday. Over small things. Over big things. Over anything. I'm a woman, I'm black, and I'm angry. One minute I'm invisible. The next minute I'm the villain. Often a victim, but there is no crime because, I'm a woman, I'm black, and I'm angry. I came into this world a gorgeous baby girl.  My mother and father placed hopes on my head that I could not fulfill.  Society place expectations on my head that I didn't want to fulfill. I was used by a man for 20 years, bore 3 of his children. Carried my family on my back the entire 20 years. Failed to protect my children from their father and the world. Disrespected at work. Disrespected at home. No refuge or safe space mentally or physically. Got away from that man but my mind cannot run as fast as my feet. Had to relearn who I was before him and figure out who I was after him. As the adrenaline from survival mode wears off, I can feel the pain, the rage. I'm angry at so many things at o...

 I am a creative. I'm a musician, singer, writer, culinarian and visionary. That's all I wanna do y'all, I want to dj, I want to record music, I want to dance and sing, I want to cook (again), I want to write (more). I want to share my joy of the arts with others. I want to bring joy, peace and euphoria to others as I experience it myself. I am not meant for corporate jobs, service jobs, management jobs. Working truly drives me crazy, my mental health suffers from dealing with bullshit at work day after day. I'm not even good at it like I used to be. I'm burnt out, mentally and physically.  I'm using my art as a crutch to regulate my emotions as I struggle to cope with capitalism. My art deserves so much more than that. So I have to figure it out. I have to prioritize my art and trust that it will be enough.  That is a scary proposition...

 My first post for this blog was about my atheism. I do not believe that the universe was designed by a deity. I have no idea how and why everything exists. And I fully accept that I never will. I'm more interested in understanding everything that happens on this planet. That knowledge is tangible because our species has something that we named intelligence. We are too smart for our own good at times however. We like to think of ourselves as special and superior because we can do things the other animals can't. But the other animals all have their own thing that they do differently. So that means all species are special. Which in turn means no species is special.  We are all just here together doing our individual thing, collectively. We call that nature. In nature you will see variations within a species. These variations occur at the molecular level. So some beings are made differently than the majority of the group. We have also come to realize that many of these variations...

 Michael Jackson was autistic, most likely with co-occurring ADHD. When I was with my ex, (who smoked weed almost daily and I did not at the time) he would say " Everybody smokes weed!" I would roll my eyes and think to myself "no they don't, he's crazy". (Now look at me! 🤣🤣🤣 getting high all the damn time.) I often feel like him in those moments when I spot a fellow autist. And I realize people would think that I'm crazy if I said it out loud. But when I see a visionary whose special interest also happens to be their super talent, I can see it clear as day.  Michael Joseph Jackson changed the world through song, dance, visuals and kindness. There is nothing neurotypical about that sentence. The people who craved it were super fans. The people who didn't understand it hated him. I can say the exact same thing for the Knowles sisters, parliament, and the elements.  Art is where neurodiversity can thrive because there is no box and there are no real...

  But I don't think I'm going to do anything about it? Ok, lemme explain. I'm an assistant manager for a retail store. Out of 4 managers I'm the black one. Then we have of the 3 white managers, the lazy one and two slave masters. All 3 of em run that store like a fucking plantation. And yesterday they took it to an all time high. Actually breaking records for the amount of work done in a day. What really pissed me off was the deviation from the plan and moving the goal post every time we reached the finish line.  So my problem is, I'm trying to just be neutral and collect my check. I don't want to get promoted and what happened yesterday is the kind of situation that makes me want to be in control. This is why I can't be an assistant manager, because I'm always smarter than my boss. Stupid shit is a huge trigger for me. I always get promoted so that I can control the environment and make it a great place to work. However, I don't want all that respon...

 I am autistic, I have ADHD, MDD and anxiety. It's a vicious combo, luckily I'm used to it as this has been lifelong. My saving grace has been my intelligence. I have the ability to see when my mental state takes a dive and contemplate it. It might take me a while but I will eventually course correct and pull myself out of a depressive episode. My logic speaks to me in these times and it's almost like parenting myself through it.  I have made it through some tough depressive episodes. I lost count of the suicide attempts. My children have kept me grounded. I know without me to support them financially they will be lost and forced to struggle. So no matter how bad my mental health is, I keep a job that can support my family. Last weekend I spent time with family and seeing them interact with their children helped me to course correct when I returned home. I'm intentionally being present and making memories with my kids and grandkid. I had withdrawn quite a bit due to my ...

 I have Sjögren's syndrome. It took 15 years to get this diagnosis. My symptoms started about 20 years ago. I'm 42 years old. There is no cure, treatment is limited.   This is one of several disabilities that I have.  You know when you apply for a job and they show a list of disabilities and ask you to disclose which ones you have?  I have five of them. But will I ever disclose that to a potential employer? Fuck no. I got mouths to feed.  I have been on government assistance. It's not a good life. Better than nothing? Yes. But I would rather have a paycheck so that my family can have enough.  It is not easy for me to go to work everyday, however; being poor is harder. Unfortunately as I age and my condition progresses, it is becoming increasingly difficult to work full time.  SSD is crazy. You have to fight the government to payout of a system that you paid into just for it to not be enough to live on. I really don't know what I am going to do. My fami...

 I started this blog for a very simple reason. So I have decided to repost some of my threads to give them room to breathe. This post is some of my thoughts after the 2024 presidential election... The US thrives from committing genocide. It's built into the business model. The empire that we spawned from was genocidal. The empire that we created has a genocidal origin story and history as well as current day. Let's start there. 🧵🪡A thread If you don't know this history as a voter, shame on you. If you graduated from a public high school, there is no excuse to be ignorant to this. Now you may not realize that America is the villain, and we can blame that on propaganda and sanitized media. The problem with being led by propaganda is that you will defend a lie to no end to protect the image of the nation. You will see no problem with war and famine in the name of American freedom. You will see the oppressed and marginalized as the villain because they dare defend themselves ...

I don't truly understand loneliness.  I know it's not a natural state for humans. I know we need each other via, support, acceptance and connection.  I just have never been lonely a single day in my life. I have to seek out my much needed solitude because I am always surrounded by people.   What about people who are in a constant state of solitude? With a population of 8 billion people, how can anyone be lonely? Somewhere along the human story, men deemed emotions to be frivolous and unnecessary. In doing so, emotional health, wellbeing and intelligence were not prioritized. However, all of our mothers were right when they told us that ignoring something doesn't make it disappear. Every human has emotional needs that, when left unmet, leads to negative outcomes for not only individuals but the society those individuals belong to.  Loneliness can hinder healthy development for children, however it also leads to cognitive decline in adults. Emotional injuries manifest ...

 This morning, I came to the conclusion that I will be tired for the rest of my life. I'm an optimist (not by choice, it's my default mode) so I'm always looking forward to change and improvement in my life. The saying "trouble don't last always",  Annie's song tomorrow, and Donny Hathaway's promise that someday we'll all be free, are messages of hope that resonate with me. I can read an optimistic quote and fully believe that logic applies to me. I see myself as fortunate, lucky even. I look at the positives and celebrate them while simultaneously pep talking myself through challenges and hardships.  Additionally, I have a high tolerance for pain and discomfort.  These traits have carried me well through some difficult and challenging situations throughout my 42 years. I now realize that these traits also kept me in an abusive relationship for far too long but that's a story for a later post.  Watching my children become adults has also helped...